I have a question about ually transmitted diseases.?

This question requires some background knowledge. Last week I ordered a can of ranch beans from ebay. When I opened the can, I was rather surprised to discover that said beans had arranged themselves into the shape of the male organ, the . Therefore, I was inclined to travel to my neighbor's house, a common witch doctor, figuring she could solve this terrible predicament (or at least offer some advice, you know how it is). She preceded to tell me that the -shaped beans were an omen of death, and carried STDs. So my questions is, are the beans still edible? Will I get an STD on my tongue if I try to eat said beans?